Update February 21st, 2013.

It’s been  a while since I’ve posted anything publicly here. Numerous reasons for that. I’ve made a few private posts for Amelia since the last public updates.

Firstly, she’s doing amazingly well. Growing steadily, hitting all milestones. The happiest little girl I’ve ever met. We really couldn’t have hoped for anything better.

She sleeps 7-10 hours a night, every night. Doesn’t fuss much. Only really cries when we’re slow with a bottle and gets a tad cranky when she wants a nap. Both instances aren’t hard to see to and we’ve gotten pretty good at interpreting her needs.

Her eyes have gone a dark hazel colour, much like mine as a child. I still expect them to change more.
Her hair hasn’t really started coming in. Still hard to say what colour it might be. She has a bit of fuzz and it’s still somewhat strawberry blonde.
Her laugh is endearing. More like an odd chuckle. Odd in a good way; it’s just not what I would have expected.
She has a little bit of ecsema on her elbows, but it’s not bad. It seems to be prevalent in females on my side of the family so it’s not really unexpected. We’ve changed our bathing routine for her slightly and have been using lotion with colloidal oatmeal in it which has curbed it.
I found a nice Kitchen Aid blender on sale this week which I picked up. We plan on making our own baby food so it was worth it to invest in a good blender. 179 down to 99. 10% off because I took the floor model. 101 and change for a blender that will last me more than a decade is tolerable.

The CFIA has not given me a response in regard to the sample I let them take (1 can of formula and an empty can from the contaminated Enfamil). The whole system favours the company over the well-being of the consumer. I asked to escalate beyond the agent I was speaking with and I threatened to file a complaint with the ombudsman and my contact hasn’t responded to an email since. I’ll probably file the complaint.

I got the results from the Genographics project. Will post about that more specifically later. Not as detailed as I would have liked, but the results are rather interesting. I have Greek and West Asian/Arab in me.

My father died January 9th. I can’t say it was unexpected but I can say I didn’t actually expect it quite so soon. His health had been in steady decline for years… it’s just not something, well, that’s easy to really expect.
I spoke with him two days before he passed. He’d just gotten over a bad cold/flu and seemed incredibly upbeat, even peppy.
I told him about how some parents will literally suck the snot right out of their kids nose, and how I’d found a neat product (basically a nasal aspirator bulb with a hose attached to draw out mucus) to avoid doing it. The normal bulb aspirators weren’t working and Amelia had a cold.
You should have heard how hilariously disgusted he was. lol I hadn’t heard him talk like that in a long time, not since before his health really started failing the year before. I guess that’s why I didn’t really expect it; he seemed to be feeling better.

My relationship with my father had its ups and downs, as most parent-child relationships do. There were times I almost hated him, but I always still loved him. When I got to know him as an adult, I began to see how his positives traits outweighed the negatives; something I couldn’t really see through the child-filter in my teens. I began to understand who he was and how he thought. As different as we were, and I believe I’ve mentioned this here before, we had a lot of similarities.

I mentioned to a family member, an uncle, how dad often acted as an ‘anti-rolemodel’ at times. There were a lot of traits in my dad I never wanted to see in myself, so I strove, and still do, in so many ways to steer away from certain behaviours. I fear it may have been taken as a negative statement by my uncle, but in actuality it’s quite positive. I loved my dad. I was probably the closest to him over the last 5-10 years. I always did what I could to help him out. I was the only person that could hang out in his smokey apartment for hours on end chatting with him. I understood him.

He wasn’t the best parent, but he did his best. That’s all anyone can ask for really. He may not have always raised me through good examples, but in the end, the examples he did provide me with made me a better person. That doesn’t mean I think he was a bad person. Just that he was human. We all have our faults, we all sometimes have a hard time seeing them within ourselves. Shadowselves.

In the end, a parents role is to impart the knowledge and wisdom for their offspring to succeed in the environment. He did that in positive and negative ways for me. My practicality I owe entirely to him. My fierce independence. Probably a good portion of my intelligence.
I’ve had a lot of passing role models in my life, but throughout it all I could always go in to his room, sit on the filing cabinet, and shoot the shit for hours on end.

My favourite memories of him are of those times we were just having discussions. In my teens we used to play backgammon and chat, or I’d sit on the cabinet near his door while he laid on his bed. In my adult life I would often go to his place on Saturday nights to watch sci-fi shows; this however, usually ended up as discussion and we’d both have to rewatch the shows later. His dialysis treatments during the last year of his life and my work schedule conflicted though, which meant I didn’t get to see him as much. Not to mention Kristen and I were having a kid.

Remember Stargate Universe? The offshoot of Stargate that didn’t last very long? We absolutely loved that show. It was one of the few we’d both actually shut up and watch when the commercials ended. We were pretty pissed when it got cancelled. Sanctuary was another though it took me some time to warm up to it.

It’s weird not getting calls from him anymore. I doubt I’ll ever remove his number from my phone. Not sure why, just wouldn’t feel right I guess.

I still haven’t really mourned yet in the traditional sense. I’ve shed some tears, but nothing like I’ve seen in other people that lose family members. I don’t really look at death as most people do; as much as I want to live, I do not feel death is something to necessarily fear. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I don’t really believe in any sort of ‘afterlife’, but I do believe we’re too complex to simply cease to be. I can’t offer many suggestions as to what may come to pass at death, just that I’m certain it’s not as cut and dry as everything going black. There are other things to be thankful for as well; he isn’t in pain anymore. He died at home as he wanted. He never ended up in a care home or palliative care. His death, to me, looked as though it was relatively peaceful and quick. He got to meet Amelia (I never got to meet either of my grandfathers, even as an infant). Dialysis gave us that one more year with him. It doesn’t seem like much, but death can be much, much worse. I’ve seen people languish on death’s door and it is not something I would wish on any person in the world.

It’s taking longer to sink in as well. I was fairly busy the first week and a half after his death finding necessary documents (for the love of any god you find holy, take all your necessary papers related to your death, seal them in a folder and put them somewhere easy to find.), and setting up the funerary services. It was something to focus on slightly which made things a bit easier in a way, a distraction from reality I guess. I had to focus.
I’m not really the type to outwardly express much negative emotion like that publicly. It makes me uncomfortable. Mourning is a personal process for me; I don’t mind writing a bit about how I feel however. It’s a good way to sort thoughts out.

Anyway, I just figured I’d throw up an update.

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